The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
