So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just had sex bonerless
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
