he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
