He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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