Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
