the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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