you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i came on her dog
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
