see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
She just used a chaser for red wine.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
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it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
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I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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