I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
