and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
