stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
