time to smoke my breakfast
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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