i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
