my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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