Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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