Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
