There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
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So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
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Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad