Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol