he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
