i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
