Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I smell stomach acid.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Randomize
