thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
