Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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