If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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