I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
