ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
