and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
