Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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