Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
