you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
