new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
