I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
