I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So much rum. So many feels.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
