dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
