Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
