Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Randomize
