there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I think your dad took our porno
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
