Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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