I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
should my penis look like a turkey
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
