Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
