My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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