This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
