i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
