i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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