What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
