I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
