I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
