I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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