Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We had sex on a dog bed..
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
