I don't remember. Are we still dating?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
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Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
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i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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