Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
