I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
