so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
