You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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