i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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