I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
