I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
