My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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