life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
