You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
why is half of my head shaved?
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